Folks ask me how my Goddaughter and I managed to keep an open and honest line of communication as she was growing up.  I hadn’t given it much thought until I began career coaching some years ago.  The more I thought about it, the rules I made for myself about managing our relationship applied to how I managed my direct reports, conducted my HR work and managed my personal relationships:

I had to be a good listener

I had to be able to discern what she told me – and I had to be able to discern what she wasn’t telling me as well.  Being a good listener can make the difference in “catching” what a child says and understanding their body language so you can focus on what they mean – and need – beyond the smoke and mirrors they sometimes put in front of you.

I was approachable

No matter whether the news was bad or good she knew she could talk to me.  I might be irritated at what I heard however, she knew once she shared her concerns there was someone else willing to help her resolve the issue.  I shudder to think of the things she might have done alone or that might have happened to her if she didn’t have parents and one of her Godparents to confide in.

I had to be engaging 

I was hardly a baby when she was born however; I had to be engaging to stay relevant.  There is nothing worse for a child or a teenager than to interact with an adult who is totally out of step with them – and out of step with everything and everybody else!  I had to be in tune with the child she was and the young woman she was becoming.   That didn’t mean using the slang, or dressing like someone not my age, it meant meeting her emotionally and dimensionally where she was.  At times, it also meant asking her to put on her big girl britches and see things from a more mature perspective.

She expected me to be genuine

If nothing else, I had to be myself with her because I knew she would call me out on what I said or what I was doing.  She had every right to do that since I was offering constructive feedback to her.   That didn’t mean I changed my actions in my professional or personal life however, it did make me aware that someone impressionable was watching.  Adults who don’t walk the talk will lose their audience every time.  Children can smell a phony a mile away – and so can your employees!

I tried to be sensitive with my feedback.

If you are unhappy with a child’s attitude or performance or see something they are doing that might be harmful to them down the road there is a way to bring it to their attention that won’t crush their spirit.   The result of any constructive or crucial conversation is that the child is helped, that they can apply the feedback and that they can manage next steps successfully.  Ultimately, I wanted Alyssa’s success when she interacted in venues away from my protective eyes.  She also provided me with constructive feedback at a number of junctures in my life, and because of this, we both kept growing and maintained the harmony in our relationship.

Praise enthusiastically!

I hope I have praised my Goddaughter enthusiastically all throughout her life.  She would be the best judge of that.  In my personal and professional life, I believe strongly that we should be on the ready to praise accomplishments – great or small – because we are often so quick to criticize others.  If the only time you approach the children in your life – or your employees – is when there is a problem, you have a problem!

Take pride in their achievements.

I enjoyed the fruits of Alyssa’s work as if they were my own.  If you’ve invested your time and energy in someone’s achievements, whether it is high school diploma or a new job they accept because of your coaching, why shouldn’t you be happy and enjoy their accomplishments with and for them?

One of my many jobs as Godmother was to make sure lessons taught could be applied in practical life situations.  To be the very best wife, mother, colleague and ultimately manager, Alyssa should strive to be a good listener, approachable, engaging, genuine, sensitive with her feedback, bubbling with her praise and able to be happy when her family’s and friend’s milestones are met.  Sprinkling or pouring varying degrees of each quality as the situation warrants will ensure her success.   I’m glad I could apply the lessons she taught me to keep communication channels open.

Lesson learned.