Earlier this year I attended the funeral of a wonderful young man who died very suddenly.  He was in very literal terms a shining star.  One of the many things I loved about him was his “giving you all I’ve got” megawatt smile!  As I went through my paperwork and came across his obituary recently I am reminded of how much I miss him and that so engaging smile.

I know Alyssa’s parents and I smiled at her a lot when she was a baby.  We loved her and smiling showed her how much joy we felt that she was in our lives.  She was quick to smile back at us however, I noticed she was discerning about smiling at others.  At the time I had absolutely no problem with that since I realized she was deciding whom she trusted and with whom she should share her joy.  Now that she is grown, she smiles easily and shows you the joyful spirit that she is.

People tell you a lot about themselves by how easily they smile, how slow they are to smile or the things that make them smile.  That holds true whether you are young or old.  I am always concerned when I am in the presence of young children who don’t smile or laugh as a natural inclination – or when cajoled.  It has been my experience that children that don’t smile may not have been shown how to smile or don’t have a reason to smile.  Children who don’t have any joy in them or in their lives very often become unhappy adults.  If you don’t smile or learn what it is to have joy when you’re young it is something that can be harder to learn as you grow older.

At work, sharing a smile can bridge chasms.  A genuine smile is one of the most universal of “languages” that can be shared.  It can make the difference between a new hire feeling welcome and a soon to be retiree feeling appreciated.  Over the telephone, a smiling salesperson or customer service representative will win high praise and their company will win awards and repeat business for the delivery of quality service to clients.  Years ago a friend clued me in on how to make my personal and professional voice mail sound more pleasant to callers – watch the inflection of my voice, enunciate and smile while I am making the recording.  People can read and feel the smile on the other end of the phone whether it’s a call from the President of the United States or from a college admissions officer giving some long anticipated good news.

You certainly can’t be a psychoanalyst at your job or at home, yet some things are literally right on your face.  At this very moment, you are smiling as you think of all the loved ones in your life or in your day-to-day interactions who share the joy of their being through their smile.  You can also think of folks who don’t smile and the things that you feel and draw from your interactions with them.  Keep in mind your thoughts about the non-smilers may be absolutely false however, the impression has been made.

Today I smile when I see Facebook pictures of my Goddaughter’s children smiling at the camera because I know she and her husband are smiling at them.  Some lessons are caught and some lessons are taught.

I’m glad this was a lesson learned!

I have always been pleased about the relationship my cousin Leslie has with his first-born child, my goddaughter Alyssa.  Since she was a tiny person, he approached her intelligence when dealing with disciplinary issues and growing pains.  Not too long ago, I had the opportunity to be at my cousin’s home where Les and Alyssa traded banter about a business question he had.  He asked her some questions and she answered them as if it was old hat to her – it was because this is the way they have always operated.

In this society of gender specifics, we tend to express how important it is to see healthy father/son relationships while negating the importance the influence – good or bad – a man has on his daughter(s).  My goddaughter’s relationship with her Dad is one that has benefitted her in a number of areas – how she relates to men in her family, how she related to the guys she went to school with, how she functions in her workplace, in her role as a wife and now as the mother of a young son.  The many facets of a young woman’s relationships with men are factors that many fathers may not consider when they are raising and interacting with their female child(ren).  The father/daughter relationship is sometimes the most important driving factor in a woman’s life.  For better or for worse.

I am fortunate to have a father who is very typical in some ways – yet quite exceptional in others. Between the three of his children, I am the “bachelor”.  Because of that, I needed the skills to not only manage “domestic duties” but I had “to do it all” – manage work, home, a church life and an active social life.  Dad learned to be a better manager at work by having empathy for the opportunities and the kind of workplace atmosphere he wanted for me (that equitable workplace does not exist yet however we remain hopeful).  I learned to “speak sports” to engage in banter with my Dad and my brothers.  I got the real skinny on what guys think and feel by watching and talking with the men in my life.  Dad brought home pert charts and I watched his discipline as he prepared class and work notes and Sunday School lessons. I learned about “completed staff work” firsthand.  My Dad is typical in wanting the best for me however, I hope he appreciates how to let me decide, based on who I am, what is best for me.  Some of the most rewarding relationships I have today are not only with my golden sister girlfriends but with some guy friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I thank my Dad for that influence. 

In my professional life, I’ve earned the respect of the men I’ve worked with over the years, both peers and managers.  Some of the most glowing recommendations I’ve received are from men who said I did my job with efficiency, transparency, and candor and without regard to political, racial, or other pressures.  I’m sure my ability to ride the office pool until late in the football season and the fact that I’m still the skee ball queen didn’t hurt my reputation! 

Now that Alyssa is married with children, her relationship with her dad should evolve.  It’s said you can’t go home again – whether in the psychological or literal sense (as many have had to do).  The key is to meet your adult daughter(s) where she is, not where she used to be.  I recall my Mother lamenting when I left home because she felt I wouldn’t need her anymore.  I told her it wasn’t that I didn’t need her, I would need her “different”.   Once daughters put on big girl britches it is hard for (most of us) to revert backwards (after all, moving upward and onward is how most of us have been programmed, right?). If a daughter should find herself in a vulnerable place it is the hope of every woman that a sensitive father will provide a shoulder to lean on.  A father who understands and embraces his daughter’s evolution is a father who is destined to maintain a loving, trusted relationship with his grown daughter(s). 

When I’m asked if I’m a “Daddy’s Girl” I smile however deep down I’m not sure how I like that description.  Is a young man who achieves professionally due to his father’s influence deemed, “Daddy’s Boy”?   Most likely people will say, “He’s a chip off the old block”.  Not that my Dad is an old block but I like that analogy much better.  That description feels more like you are making your own inroads based on the influence of another versus being cradled eternally by your Dad.  Yes, I like being a “chip” much better! 

Happy Father’s Day to my Dad, Leroy, to Les, my brother Steven and to all the Fathers and male role models who positively influence their daughters and all the children in their lives.  I also have to say Happy Fathers Day to those men who may not have made a positive influence on their children.  Unfortunately, based on their influence they often provide the motivation that drives their daughters and sons to be even more successful in their professional and personal lives.

Lesson learned.