If you want to know if someone can be trusted, ask a baby or a puppy. They’ll let you know.  How true this is – especially about the baby!

The first time I realized Alyssa had a “spidey sense” about people she was sitting in my lap at one of many family gatherings (with almost every family member we knew in attendance). She smiled and cooed until a certain family member appeared at the door of the room we were sitting in. She stopped cooing and stiffened up in my lap. At first, I didn’t know what to think. The person left the room, the baby relaxed, then the person returned and she stiffened up again. Got it – there’s a wolf in the room!

When people told my cousin she needed to teach the baby to be more “friendly”, I stopped them in their tracks. I was perfectly happy to have a little girl who would send an immediate alarm if anybody suspicious or not trust worthy came into her personal space. From what my Mother tells me she is a chip off her Aunt Charlene’s block; that is exactly the kind of baby I was.

Interesting thing, as some of us get older we choose not to defer to our “spidey sense” about people we find at work or in our network – that they are not to be trusted or that they shouldn’t be allowed into our treasured space. We decide their look, their status, who they know or what others say about them should trump what our intuition tells us; this person does not mean us good. They have a second agenda and we will be used and may be damaged professionally. We should listen to our intuition (“our gut”) no matter how silly we may feel in the actions that we take to protect ourselves. We should also pay more attention to what our children tell us – about that teacher at school, about that boyfriend/girlfriend we are wild about, about that person in our church or social circle that makes their hair stand on end. It is better to check the facts up front and be as sure as you can be about someone versus facing a period of heartache due to some unnecessary trauma that takes place in your (or your child’s) life.

Alyssa is still a good judge of character. I have always tried my best to judge people by their character and not by their color, age, sexual preference or status because I want to be judged by who I am. I’ve already resolved that when I decide to get married Alyssa will be on the list of people my special guy must meet. There are no guarantees that the marriage will last forever – but at least I’ll know if there is a wolf in the room.

Lesson learned.

As a baby, my Goddaughter did some funny things. Most of the time she was innocently (or maybe not so innocently) doing things and speaking her youthful mind. To hear her laugh at things her Parents and I did let us know she was in touch with her emotions and that she was developing a healthy attitude. We are enjoying a season of commercial advertisements where we’re amused at children who mimic the actions and emotions of adults – and some of them are hilarious!

Laughter really is the best kind of medicine. Time and time again research tells us that laughter is good for the soul and for our overall mental well-being. So, why do so many people go to workplaces where there is plenty of work (sometimes an overload) but there is no laughter or levity in the atmosphere? When did we learn that work means being so serious it becomes stressful? Back in the day, we used to say, “All work and no play make Jack/Jill a dull boy/girl”. That especially applies in today’s world; all work and no play is creating very stressful work environments where employers report high blood pressure, heart problems and folks being plain stressed out. As a result, we see some extremely stressful situations being played out in very unconstructive and dangerous ways in the workplace.

I’ve had the benefit of two “purgatory” work experiences; I’ve also found places where there is a much more pleasant work atmosphere and I’ll admit, I’m happy I experienced the purgatory times. How else would I appreciate the jobs where I got up in the morning knowing I was going to a place where we would work to the bone and have a few laughs during the day? It sure beats getting up on Sunday morning dreading the fact you have to go to a purgatory workplace on Monday morning! It is important, no vital, that employers listen for the “sounds” of employees in the workplace. What is their silence or lack of laughter really saying?

So, how did I cope when I worked in those purgatory situations? I found colleagues in the workplace who I could sit with for moments of solace. My weekdays and weekends were filled with events and people that gave me joy – movies, museum visits, church, dinners with family and friends and volunteer work – things that gave me a mental break from work. I meditated and had devotions every morning before I went to work so I stayed centered no matter how nasty the storm of the day would be. I had, and have, wonderfully “courageous companions” who support me when things get crazy. A quick phone call to say, “Hey, I’m thinking about you” meant everything to me. Those purgatory situations were hard however; thank goodness, they didn’t last forever!

As a Godmother, one of the sweetest sounds in this world was hearing Alyssa laugh – and it still is. As a Human Resources professional, for me, one of the sweetest sounds in the workplace was the sound of hard-working, productive employees and managers finding times of laughter and levity during their workday. That is when I knew my employees were not only driving a successful bottom line and enjoying their work, I also knew they were doing well.

Lesson learned!

I still remember seeing her big bright eyes as we drove through the neighborhoods in Delaware County and along the Main Line to see the homes that were decorated for the holidays. A number of cultures were represented in the various displays. These homes never looked as enchanting as they did when I took the drive with tiny Alyssa. There is nothing like seeing the holidays through the eyes of a child.

This is the perfect time of year to be enchanted by the many cultures and traditions of the season. In the workplace, religious observances are often taboo, however sharing cultural expressions during this time of year can be a fun and fascinating way to spend an often hectic time of the year. The discussion, sharing (of food!) and cultural understanding that are exchanged will last long beyond the holidays. Having avenues to express your culture during each season brings awareness to how much we are different, as well as those things we have in common.

Avenues provided by employers for employees to express their culture and share family traditions go hand-in-hand with the season of giving. Unfortunately, detachment and loneliness is as prevalent as large family gatherings during this time of the year. For every person who is excited to travel to family and friends there are others who dread the fanfare. Sharing the warmth of culture can break down barriers and create a very inclusive work environment. Instead of accepting the view of other cultures shown through social media, labels and innuendo, why not serve up a slice or two of humanity to each other this holiday season?

“Best Places to Work” employers understand one of the most important things for any employee is the ability to be authentic, and what better time of the year to constructively and creatively share who you are. Workplaces that encourage such practices will reap the benefit of better-educated and engaged employees.

I hope that your holidays will be a time to be with those you care about and to share your traditions. As I drive through the neighborhoods taking in the brightly decorated homes again this year I know I will smile about the memories I have of that ride many years ago.

Lesson learned.

Source: Making a graceful exit

There is not enough attention given to making a graceful exit…

When Alyssa was a little girl, she was very clear in her conversation – and in her meaning. One of the things that still sticks out in my mind is how she would end a conversation, especially when she was being reprimanded or heard something she didn’t want to hear. She would say, “Fine” in a tone more in line with “Whatever”, turn on her heel and leave the room. Unbeknownst to her, her Mother and I would secretly smile at her display of independence.

To this day, I can’t remember a time when Alyssa was ever blatantly disrespectful to me. She did some typical teen stuff so I’m not adding a halo to her head (or to my own, my Mother will tell you I was a real handful for a while) however I never recall anything that would have landed her in the zone of punishment or reprimand. Even when we disagree on things, I would let her know I understood her irritation with me – and I was irritated with her as well. I still loved her and told her so. Maybe that is why we are the way we are today – adults who can disagree without holding a grudge or being hissy hateful in the process.

In today’s society, many folks don’t know how to make a graceful exit. Unfortunately, we read about it all the time in the news or hear it in our inner circles. We “tell it like it is” or “give somebody a piece of our mind” with no thought about the consequence of what we say or do. We burn emotional bridges by the hurtful hateful words and acts we do as we exit. We even have words written on our undies and our backsides as the last memory anyone has of us leaving a room!

When making an exit – whether leaving a meeting, leaving a position or leaving a relationship – looks or feels anything like burning a bridge you’re doing it wrong! The idea is you should exit so the door is open for you to be invited back – as a guest, as a contributor, as a subject matter expert or as a speaker. You should be able to call back to any job you leave to get a reference from a colleague or manager – and they should do it with a smile. This is something you might want to consider the next time you decide to give someone a piece of your mind in any instance – put your mind back in your pocket and exit with a gracious or kind word instead.

My Goddaughter hasn’t burned any bridges in our relationship and I hope she carries that throughout her personal and professional lives. She can be assertive, diplomatic and insightful and get her point across – just as she did when she was little.

Lesson learned.

One of the funniest things my Goddaughter taught me when she was a tiny person was the power of a tiny word – “NO”!

The first time she gave me a “No” with attitude her father didn’t take to it too kindly. There was an immediate response with a, “Don’t you ever tell Aunt Charlene ‘no’ like that again” added to it. I don’t know if I was more surprised at his response or if she was. If I wasn’t ready for the responsibility and the vote of confidence her father gave me at that moment it was too late! He was telling us both that whatever I said and whatever I did should matter to her. That was powerful and that trust is something I never took for granted.

There is power in the word “No”. Simply “No”. I heard a colleague allude to this in class recently. For some reason, children seem to get it but adults don’t. When children don’t want to do something they tell you “No” and sometimes will qualify it with a perfectly logical explanation. Sometimes they tell you “No” and that’s it! As parents and guardians we often override their “No” response however, we take note of the fact it was said and why. As adults we feel we can’t say “No” to anything. If we do say “No” we feel it needs a qualifier. What does a child know that we as grownups don’t know?

“No” stated in this day and age where things move too fast and things that are done can be hurtful in so many situations is not a bad thing. “No” to a bully may cause a reaction because now he/she knows their behavior is unacceptable. “No” in an unethical or extreme work situation may cause anger and retaliation however it will raise consciousness and will give peace of mind to the naysayer. One of the things I have told my employers is that they should keep any unethical behavior from my view or investigation; I have no plans to spend any time in federal prison for a lie or omission. The expectation was set that “no” unethical behavior would be tolerated. No problems, no repercussions!

Alyssa did have a little patch where “No” was pretty much her standard teenager answer and I’m not mad at her. I prefer a young woman with her own opinion; I figured she would negotiate a major point before she let her principles be trampled and went along just to get along. From what I can see it worked like a charm, and that is the idea of the “No” – the right to have an opinion, to have some thinking room and in the process to keep some semblance of your true self and sanity.

Alyssa, thank you for teaching your Aunt Charlene the power of that tiny word.

Lesson learned.

Source: The power of a thank you

Gratitude is an attitude…

When Alyssa was little, I used to wrap her gifts in comic paper, the same way my Parents wrapped our gifts when my brothers and I were children. It was different, and it saved on wrapping paper for parents who wanted to make a statement of uniqueness to their children. I had to stop that practice with Alyssa when I saw her hunt out the gifts I bought before a birthday party. That was a testament to how she felt about the gift(s) she received – and to how bright she was!

As she grew the gifts changed however, her attitude of gratitude has never wavered. Whether it was a card, a gift or mad money for college, she made me feel 10 feet tall with her consistent demonstrations of gratitude. Now, whether it’s a text, Facebook comment, a card or an email, every expression she has received from me for herself or her children has been acknowledged (and her husband is good about this too). She does not realize how huge this is.

A well-executed thank you can make a big difference in a business or personal relationship. Many times, we are so concerned with receiving that we don’t feel moved to appreciate the efforts of the giver. Your expression of thanks should be appropriate to the occasion and unique to the person(s) involved. The idea is to make a heartfelt impact on the person who did the giving. Anyone who has had a family member, friend, colleague, manager or mentor pour their knowledge, understanding or wisdom into them should be quick to offer an expression of appreciation. When someone offers a recommendation – which is in fact putting his or her reputation on the line – there is no doubt for the need to acknowledge the act of kindness. You not only demonstrate how grateful you are for the “gift” that has been given, you encourage the door to be left open for future blessings. As she got older, Alyssa understood the gifts she received often came with a sacrifice. As professionals we should recognize the gifts and the sacrifices of time and resources that others make on our behalf to further our careers and goals.

My Mother inspired me to write thank you notes as a child and I still write them – long hand! I hope each person that receives a written note from me is moved because that is the intent of my expression. It is simply expressing my gratitude for the gift, time, thoughtfulness and/or wisdom that have been poured into me. Passing on the special feeling that comes when you show thanks in a tangible manner for something special that was done blesses both the giver and the receiver.

Alyssa strikes again! Lesson learned…

Source: All you’ve got is your word

I learned the value of keeping one’s word through an experience that happened to Alyssa years ago.

A close relative promised her that she would be part of a very special ceremony however, when the time came, he wasn’t able to keep that promise. No one realized the hurt Alyssa felt, or how long she’d nursed that disappointment until she fell absolutely to pieces during one our “Friendly’s “ lunches. Once I found out about it, I had an obligation to her – to make sure that she was listened to and that we, the adults in her life, resolved the situation in an expedient and responsible manner.

Alyssa and I have often talked confidentially over the years; she understood our talks stayed confidential unless she told me something that I felt was harmful or hurtful to her. This particular situation warranted Parental intervention! I called my cousin (her Mother) to discuss what happened. She then understood Alyssa’s behavior about a totally unrelated issue involving this relative. I don’t know how the situation was resolved on their end however I know this relative and Alyssa remain very close.

We as colleagues and managers routinely make promises to each other. “That next promotion is yours”, “You’re going to manage that key account” or “I’m available to you whenever you need support”. We often don’t realize that promises we make have the same effect on our employees that the relative’s word had on Alyssa; expectations are set and disappointment may occur if the expectation isn’t met. If employees are disappointed enough times by unfulfilled promises trust begins to erode. Trust is fragile; what takes years to build can be dashed in a moment. Distrustful work environments often result in low employee morale and low employee engagement.

Develop an environment of trust in your workplace (keep in mind this is everyone’s responsibility, not just the job of your Human Resources (HR) department!). Be a person of your word with your peers, direct reports, clients and higher ups. When you are unable to keep your word, do the right thing and communicate to establish new expectations. Follow confidentiality policies with the understanding that any behavior or circumstances that are deemed harmful by HR or management will be investigated. Some people are still reeling from major disappointments suffered at their place of employment. Workplaces that offer avenues for employees to discuss their feelings constructively through one-on-one sessions with managers, mentors; focus groups, buddy systems or through Employee Assistance Programs are providing practical avenues for employers to listen, and when necessary, to act upon employee concerns.

If you have the opportunity to influence your company in a Human Resources or management function, try to be aware of the atmosphere in your workplace. You should be approachable to employees up and down the company ladder. Always speak to your employees’ intelligence because they know whether you can be trusted. Follow up to make sure any difficult situations are truly resolved. Your employees will appreciate you and the environment in your workplace will be more productive.

Lesson learned.